So much more happened.
Deciding about the memorial and planning it for Nov 5.
Venue, food, guest list, invitation, program, poster, slide show, bagpipe.
Following the progress of the condo in Cambridge, from removing some papers and things, to gutting it and insulating the floor and the annoyance of the guy trying to insulate the walls instead and the leak in the roof.
Finally selling it in.... when was it? February? April? I can hardly remember now but it dragged on and on and we got both my friend Margaret Gifford and Dad's friend Priscilla Galberg who are both Realtors to advise us.
The continued stress as Dad seemed to follow the advice, which he asked me for and cost me a lot of time to provide, less and less. He refused to count his hours, but mine didn't count. He refused to pay himself back. He never told me he'd decided that he would only give me and Dave the condo and not the entire estate.... he NEVER did. Then when it came up as a done deal and I expressed disagreement I'm sure he thought it was about the money but it was about the lack of respect to me that he only included me as an advisor. I should have been the executor.
Eventually I had to tell him not to ask me about how to pay the bills any more. I drank too much wine and was incredibly stressed but have since been able to back off a bit.
Today is Thanksgiving and Dad and I have to spend some time to go over some details in paperwork that he doesn't understand. Wish it didn't have to happen during Thanksgiving.
Finally I planned a Great Island walk for June 20 in Wellfleet, but only Chris and I walked. In July I went to Fort Hill with his other friend, Ted.
Something I just noticed today. I planned my vacation to leave on Nov 4, which was one year since the memorial on Saturday, although the date was the next day. I didn't notice the exact timing until now and didn't think about it at all at the time.
Once the estate is settled, Dad is giving me and Dave the proceeds from the condo. This will allow us to pay off our mortgage, pay for the solar on the roof and improvements to the attic, go to Scotland in style, get a new car, redo the kitchen, and still have enough to cover any extra costs between when I retire and age 65 (SS and Medicare). It feels strange. Is it comforting? yes. Is there also some guilt? Yes. Some charitable contribution might help with that.
Jan 31 2019
Another year plus has passed.
The estate got settled, the funds arrived(as I recall with some annoying drama about Dave getting a direct deposit and me a check more than a week later.... it bothered me terribly at the time.... kinda still does but I am aware it is folly to hold onto these feeling, and actually to feel them at all), the mortgage got paid, work in the attic began, we took a surprise trip to Nantucket, I devoured Ancestry, we established a trust, Scotland was amazing.
Working on getting my car into shape for another coupla years. New wheels and tires, still needs steam cleaning.
Retirement looms... feel many pulls....
Why does Arthur think I need or want work? I can't wait until I can focus my energy into things of my own choosing. It isn't like the work I'm doing is meaningful for me. I gave that up 5 years ago. He thinks I can or want to pick it up again but my hope is to find more fulfillment in my self, my art, travel and communicating.
But the feeling of 'waiting', getting angry about waiting. Deciding to stop waiting and instantly something distracts me again from my intention.... it is the fight! Begin again. Fight? It is the life.
This morning the waning moon appeared between Venus and Jupiter just before sunrise. Here, there appear to be two moons surrounding Venus. I took the picture through the beveled glass triangle in the stained glass hanger my brother, Dave, got me at a Texas art fair.
Felt a strong presence of my mother this morning. Did not bring the usual sobbing... maybe one tear and a big smile as I drank coffee 'for her'.
Many vacations planned before the 'big one' in Sept. after I retire. Just returned from Newport, Texas coming up, WVa in April and Wellfleet(Old Salt!) in June.
Not sure when I can actually stop... wish it were yesterday.
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