More than a year later

Thanksgiving, 2017
So much more happened.
Deciding about the memorial and planning it for Nov 5.
Venue, food, guest list, invitation, program, poster, slide show,  bagpipe.
Following the progress of the condo in Cambridge, from removing some papers and things, to gutting it and insulating the floor and the annoyance of the guy trying to insulate the walls instead and the leak in the roof.
Finally selling it in.... when was it? February? April? I can hardly remember now but it dragged on and on and we got both my friend Margaret Gifford and Dad's friend Priscilla Galberg who are both Realtors to advise us.
The continued stress as Dad seemed to follow the advice, which he asked me for and cost me a lot of time to provide, less and less. He refused to count his hours, but mine didn't count. He refused to pay himself back. He never told me he'd decided that he would only give me and Dave the condo and not the entire estate.... he NEVER did. Then when it came up as a done deal and I expressed disagreement I'm sure he thought it was about the money but it was about the lack of respect to me that he only included me as an advisor. I should have been the executor.
Eventually I had to tell him not to ask me about how to pay the bills any more. I drank too much wine and was incredibly stressed but have since been able to back off a bit.

Today is Thanksgiving and Dad and I have to spend some time to go over some details in paperwork that he doesn't understand. Wish it didn't have to happen during Thanksgiving.
Finally I planned a Great Island walk for June 20 in Wellfleet, but only Chris and I walked. In July I went to Fort Hill with his other friend, Ted.

Something I just noticed today. I planned my vacation to leave on Nov 4, which was one year since the memorial on Saturday, although the date was the next day. I didn't notice the exact timing until now and didn't think about it at all at the time.

Once the estate is settled, Dad is giving me and Dave the proceeds from the condo. This will allow us to pay off our mortgage, pay for the solar on the roof and improvements to the attic, go to Scotland in style, get a new car, redo the kitchen, and still have enough to cover any extra costs between when I retire and age 65 (SS and Medicare). It feels strange. Is it comforting? yes. Is there also some guilt? Yes. Some charitable contribution might help with that.

Jan 31 2019
Another year plus has passed.
The estate got settled, the funds arrived(as I recall with some annoying drama about Dave getting a direct deposit and me a check more than a week later.... it bothered me terribly at the time.... kinda still does but I am aware it is folly to hold onto these feeling, and actually to feel them at all), the mortgage got paid, work in the attic began, we took a surprise trip to Nantucket, I devoured Ancestry, we established a trust, Scotland was amazing.
Working on getting my car into shape for another coupla years. New wheels and tires, still needs steam cleaning.
Retirement looms... feel many pulls....
Why does Arthur think I need or want work? I can't wait until I can focus my energy into things of my own choosing. It isn't like the work I'm doing is meaningful for me. I gave that up 5 years ago. He thinks I can or want to pick it up again but my hope is to find more fulfillment in my self, my art, travel and communicating.
But the feeling of 'waiting', getting angry about waiting. Deciding to stop waiting and instantly something distracts me again from my intention.... it is the fight! Begin again. Fight? It is the life.

 This morning the waning moon appeared between Venus and Jupiter just before sunrise. Here, there appear to be two moons surrounding Venus. I took the picture through the beveled glass triangle in the stained glass hanger my brother, Dave, got me at a Texas art fair.
Felt a strong presence of my mother this morning. Did not bring the usual sobbing... maybe one tear and a big smile as I drank coffee 'for her'.

Many vacations planned before the 'big one' in Sept. after I retire. Just returned from Newport, Texas coming up, WVa in April and Wellfleet(Old Salt!) in June.
Not sure when I can actually stop... wish it were yesterday.

Wilson

I'm starting this blog to document the situation associated with the death of my brother, Wilson, sometime between August 27 and Sept 10.

On Saturday, Sept 10, 2016 at about 2:30PM I was preparing to load my husband's truck with all the stuff for Wellfleet where were going on vacation first thing Sunday morning, following a wedding reception in Rhode Island Saturday evening. The phone rang and it was my father who said 'Wilson is dead' to which I replied, What? Oh my God, no no no!

What happened?
All we knew at that point was he was found dead apparently after some time.
What we later learned was that something had come through the downstairs neighbor's ceiling alerting them to a problem.... and investigation (by police? fire department? not sure) led to finding Wilson's remains. The people downstairs had to move out.

My father was being asked to sign some kind of authorization for the cleanup process which was going to begin immediately if not sooner. After receiving the documents, it appeared they were indicating that my father or his insurance company was financially responsible for the cleanup! This wasn't what he was expecting as it seems the property owners' or condo insurance is responsible.
So he didn't send back the documents.

More details emerged that apparently the insurance policy had lapsed.... and the last covered date was Sept 9... one day before they found him!

So, not much of the above was known when I got the first call. We did know that he must have been dead for some time for the 'health emergency' to be 'declared' (I don't know if that was a formal thing but that first day there was a lot of talk about the emergency nature of the situation). We learned later from my other brother that his last post to Facebook was Aug 27.

So I had to look away from the new dress and shoes.... a lot harder to look away from the silver pedicure I'd just gotten. Put aside thoughts of how I was going to do my hair, and figure out how to tell my friend that could not attend her wedding reception, without actually telling her and ruining her night, although my not being there would be a blow.
I ended up calling the country club where the reception was and telling them to give her a message that I 'unavoidably unable to attend' and felt terrible not giving any details but thought it too cruel provide any.

So I talked to my Dad several times Saturday and decided to go to Wellfleet with my car in case I had to go help him.
It was a strange time.
I talked to my brother, David, while driving to Wellfleet and then again on Tuesday. I've only had email contact since then.
I went with Dad on Wed. afternoon to a lawyer who is taking care of getting him appointed executor.  He's in the same office as Ted, who lives across the street which is comforting.
Before that, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday started with coffee in bed, maybe reading an online newspaper, or email or researching all kinds of horrid things, then the phone would ring starting at 8:30. I'd talk to Dad about whatever the crisis was....
- the social security number was wrong... after a trip to their office, it was right!
- they HAD to clean up NOW. They stopped cleanup because Dad didn't sign. They started again.... or did they?
- insurance, or not?
- the death certificate was ready; not it wasn't; yes it was
- everything in the apartment had to be destroyed; maybe a few things could be saved; maybe quite a bit could be saved
- the police put all of the accumulated mail in the contaminated apartment!
- Wil's friend Chris was determined to maximize the possibility of salvage of some stuff

I'd talk to him up to 5 or more times a day. He'd hang up each time another call came in. Things were happening fast and furious.

In between I kept my beach friend, Linda, up to date, processing my feelings as I went. She was a great person to have there listening. Got in swimming with her a few times. A few other times without her. It seemed the tide and the wind and the water temp. were often at odds for perfect swimming, but Friday was gorgeous. I stayed in for well over an hour.

We only got out one day. Went to Fort Hill and walked. We walked on the beach one day. We ate one meal out almost every day. Bookstore 3 times, Lighthouse 3 times. Fried Chicken once.

So it was nice being there but a much different experience than usual to say the least.

By the time I got back from Wellfleet, Wilson's remains had been cremated and were at the funeral home. Dad had picked up copies of the death certificate.
We still don't know if any of his possessions  are salvageable.
We still don't know about insurance.
We are still trying to plan the service/memorial/celebration of life.

My 25th Anniversary Party has been postponed, hopefully until after the memorial. But I decided to have the family over on the 24th as scheduled.
Maybe it will only be 10 people but it could be 30... or more? Time to start thinking about that.
Putting away all the silver things I prepared... until later.
Still planning the anniversary dinner.... maybe I'll wear the dress I was going to wear to Missy's party.
Now it is Sunday, Sept 18. More than a week has passed. I'll continue in the next post.